I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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