i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
