I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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