True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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