today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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