I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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