I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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