i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
