Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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