I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize