so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
