everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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