I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
