the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
