I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
