i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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