I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize