I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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