New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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