I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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