I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
