i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
