I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
