he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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