how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
