You can't motorboat a personality
i barfeds in our rink
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize