I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
