True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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