how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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