i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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