I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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