who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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