Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
