he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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