So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The struggles of a small town man whore
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
