Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
