my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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