the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
