We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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