I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
