how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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