I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
