Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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