eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
