He disabled his match.com account in front of me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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