Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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