Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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