dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
