Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
