I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't deserve a penis
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize