So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
