I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize