i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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