May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
