Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
