I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
