6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
