She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
