You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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