on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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