life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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