put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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