The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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