Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
